What to Say to Someone Who Has Cancer

Here is what to say to someone who has cancer

It’s bad enough that your world has just been rocked by the news that your loved one has cancer, and now you don’t even know what to say. Is there anything to say? When you don’t know what to say to someone who has cancer, you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. Let me present you with six things you can say to someone who has cancer.

First of all, if you are reading this because you or someone you love has cancer, let me offer you my heartfelt condolence.

Knowing what to say to someone who has cancer is not something you learn naturally.

I have been on both sides of cancer. As a daughter/caregiver to both my father who had colon cancer (Read: The Day Cancer Turned Royal Blue) and my mother who had breast cancer (Read: The Day Cancer Turned Pink), as a support person/advocate for my friend who had breast cancer (Read: The Day Cancer Turned Pink…Again), and as a patient myself with breast cancer (Read: The Day I Met Cancer in the Mirror). I have said words of encouragement to my loved ones and had words of encouragement spoken to me.

Even with all the advances in cancer research and treatment, the diagnosis of cancer can strike fear into the heart of the patient and loved ones alike.

Understanding that words alone do not affect cancer, here is what to say to someone who has cancer in four different scenarios t to offer support and encouragement to a cancer patient.

1: What to say to someone who has cancer if you are caught off-guard by a loved one’s cancer announcement

If you are taken by complete surprise by the unexpected news that your loved one has cancer, you will have your own shock and feelings to process. It is completely normal to be at a loss for words by this announcement. In this situation you might say:

“I’m so sorry to hear this. Words escape me right now.”

“Oh my, I was not expecting this; I don’t know what to say.”

“This news comes as a shock to me and I don’t know what to say right now. I am so sorry you have cancer.”

“My heart goes out to you, but I’m at a loss for words.”

By saying one of these statements, you are acknowledging that you heard what the person told you while still giving yourself a chance to catch your breath.

A person who has just found out that they have cancer is not necessarily seeking words of comfort, but the comfort of your presence and caring.

Two things not to say to someone with cancer:

1.“You’re strong. You will get through this just fine.”

The problem with this kind of statement is that it dismisses the emotions the person is wrestling with and dismisses the person and their problem.

A person diagnosed with cancer needs support and encouragement, especially when they are first diagnosed.

Telling someone they are strong when they feel so vulnerable may make them feel dismayed.

2.“My friend went through cancer. It was no big deal.”

Again, this statement is dismissive. Cancer is a big deal.

Because there are so many types of cancer, various stages of cancer at the time of diagnosis, and treatment regimens, no two cancer experiences are alike. The experience of one person you know cannot be expected to be the same experience for each person who gets cancer.

A kinder way to offer this same encouragement may be to say:

“My friend went through cancer, and everything turned out well. I hope you will come through just as well.”

2: What to say to someone who has cancer to offer your assistance

It is natural to want to help your friend or family member who has cancer. Their daily routine becomes anything but routine. They have doctors’ appointments to go to, treatments to receive, phone calls to make. The list goes on.

And this is in addition to their already normally busy days.

When you offer your assistance, state specifically what you are proposing to do. 

Your loved one’s plate is already full, so don’t make them guess what you might be able to do for them. They are more likely to turn you down, so they don’t have to make any more decisions if they don’t know exactly what you are offering to do.

Offering specific assistance is one way to not only help the family in need but also allows you to feel that you are being useful as well.

In this situation you might say:

“I would like to pray for you and your family. Is there anything specific I can pray about?”

“I am available to be of assistance. I can…” Say specifically what you can help with.

**See the printable below for a list of services that you may be able to offer.

When you do propose to help, make sure you follow through with your offer. Stress is high enough for the cancer patient and their family and if they can’t rely on those offering to assist them, the anxiety and frustration increase greatly.

What not to say:

“If you ever need anything, just let me know.”

Because people say this so often when they don’t know specifically what help their friend may need, the cancer patient doesn’t know what your true intention is. The intention is well-meant, but the message is confusing because it is so broad.

And the recipient may not know if the person saying it truly means it.

Anything?

Like a million dollars?

Or anything if it’s convenient for you?

3.   What to say to someone who has cancer as a cancer survivor

As a cancer survivor, it is natural to want to offer encouragement to a fellow cancer victim. You have successfully navigated your own crazy journey, and truly want to help your friend or loved one on their cancer path.

A kind way to offer support may be to say:

1. “I’ve been where you are. I’m willing to share my experience with you if you would like.”

A person newly diagnosed with cancer may not be able to process any more information, so offering to share your experience lets them decline if they are feeling too overwhelmed to take in new information, no matter how well-meaning.

1. “I am a cancer survivor. I remember how I felt when I was going through cancer. If you have any questions that I can answer for you, to help you through your cancer journey, I would like to do so when you’re ready”.

This statement lets the person know that they are not alone in what they are feeling, and they have a resource to turn to when they need advice.

Even though the new cancer victim may not be ready to talk yet, by offering to tell your story they know who they can turn to if, or when, they are ready to talk about it.

What not to say:

 “I know exactly how you feel.”

This is not true.

You know how you felt when you were diagnosed with cancer, but this person who is going through cancer may not know how they feel.

Telling them that you know exactly how they feel is unfair. How can you know how they feel when they don’t know how they feel?

4.  What to say to the family of a person going through cancer

When a person is diagnosed with cancer, it is not just the patient going through cancer but the entire family. When inquiring about the progress of the cancer patient, don’t forget to ask the family member to whom you are speaking how they are doing and offer them support as well. You might encourage them by saying:

“This is a difficult time for your entire family, but how are you doing?”

“Being a caregiver can be very tiring. I’m available for you as well.”

“You have been doing so much for your family member, but I would like to do something for you.”

You might offer to:

Get together for coffee or a meal

Go shopping or to a movie together

Go to a local event together

If the family member is unable, or unwilling, to leave their loved one unattended you might offer to:

Bring in a meal

Visit with them at their house

Stay with their loved one while the family member goes out

Ask them what they need

(Read: 3 Practical Ways to Sincerely Offer Your Support)

What not to say:

“You just keep going and going. I don’t know how you do it.”

No, you don’t know how they do it. They may be ready to collapse, but your statement dissuades them from asking for help.

5.   Can I Hug You?

Human touch grounds us. It supports us and makes us feel connected to others.

Please ask before hugging someone. Not everyone is open to this gesture.

A less invasive way to “give a hug” is to place your hand on their arm or shoulder.

6.  Can I Pray with You?

Even when there are no human words of comfort, there are heavenly words that speak to the heart.

Hearing that someone you care about has cancer can be very difficult. Whether you are hearing this news unexpectedly, wanting to offer help and support to the family and patient alike, or would like to share your own cancer experience when appropriate, knowing what to say to someone who has cancer can be difficult. The information offered here is by no means a complete list of things you can say to someone who has cancer but is intended to give you advice on how to broach a cancer conversation.

In conclusion, knowing what to say to someone who has cancer may not come naturally to most of us, being open, honest, and caring is what is most important.

Leave a comment below stating what has been the most encouraging thing that someone has said to you when you most needed it.

Wishing you all the best.

Kelly

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Yes, I am a nurse. No, I am not your nurse. The medical topics discussed in this, or any article on this site, are intended to be issues for you to discuss with your medical team if you feel they apply to you. None of the information you are about to read in this article is treatment advice for you from me. I do not have that authority.