The Day Cancer Turned Pink…Again

I thought I could finally put cancer behind me.

My dad had had colon cancer. (Read: The Day Cancer Turned Royal Blue)

My mom had had breast cancer. (Read: Who is MAB?)

My grandmother-in-law had had bone cancer.

And I had breast cancer. (Read: The Day I Met Cancer in the Mirror)

I was just finishing the final phase of my cancer treatments and thought, at last, I could put cancer behind me.

Until that day. Until the day cancer turned pink…again.

“I have to have a breast biopsy,” my friend said.

“Let’s keep our fingers crossed that everything turns out okay,” I replied.

“I already know I have breast cancer. The biopsy is just to find out which kind of cancer it is.”

My heart stopped. Not again!

This is Amanda’s story, the day cancer turned pink…again.

Her family called her Mandy, but I only knew her as Amanda.

She came into the nurses’ station and asked, “Is there someplace I can put my lunchbox?”

I looked up and saw someone I had never seen before.

“Hi, I’m Kelly. I’ll show you where the breakroom is.”

“Hi, I’m Amanda. I’m a new nurse here.”

I badged her into the breakroom where she put her lunchbox in the fridge, showed her where to change into scrubs, gave her a quick tour of the unit, then introduced her to her orientation nurse.

I had just finished my night shift, and she was just starting her day shift.

Me just finishing and she just starting

Me just finishing and she just starting. That scenario would play out again later in our lives, but neither one of us was thinking about breast cancer that day.

When Amanda finished orientation on the day shift, she came to the night shift where we worked together in the Cardiac Short Stay unit for about four years.

Usually, there were just two nurses on the night shift, so you learned to rely on your partner a great deal. Our co-worker relationship quickly grew into a close friendship. We enjoyed spending time together away from work too, which only deepened our friendship.

She was constantly busy

I realized early on about Amanda that she didn’t know how to play, to just do something for the fun of it. At work, she was constantly busy and gave her patients great care. She tended to her young daughter at home, helped her husband prepare meals, and cared for her dogs. She was always busy doing for others.

Rubber stamps

When I was younger, I enjoyed making cards with rubber stamps. I had many stamps like flowers and such to make the cards with. My mom would ask me to make cards for her for a friend’s birthday, etcetera. I often tried to get my mom to make cards with me, but she wasn’t interested.

That is until she went to a Stampin’ Up party one of the ladies at church was having. This was like the Tupperware parties of years past, but this time they were selling rubber stamps instead of storage containers. The demonstrator would show the guests how to make a card with various stamps, then let them make a card of their own to get them interested in the craft so they would buy stamps from her.

My mother became hooked on stamping. The next day she couldn’t wait to show me the card she made with rubber stamps.

Hmmm. Isn’t that what I had been trying to show her all along?

Amanda had learned to play

One weekend Amanda’s husband had to work, so I invited her and her daughter over to my house for a play date. We ate lunch then went into the craft room to make cards with rubber stamps. Amanda had never done anything like this, so I gave her some pointers and left her to have at it. But she just sat there.

“What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“Which color of ink am I supposed to use?”

“Choose any color you like.”

“Which stamp am I supposed to use?”

“Try all of them if you want.”

I purposely was not giving her any direction to follow. I was letting her decide how she wanted to use the stamps. Amanda was great at following the rules, but today I didn’t want her to get caught up in the rules, but in just having fun.

She tried a flower stamp and purple ink. “Is that what I am supposed to do?”

“That looks fine.”

“Or should I use the pink ink?”

“Try it and see.”

She used pink ink this time instead of purple. “Does this one look better?”

“That looks fine.”

“So, which one is right?”

“They both look fine.”

I saw the expression on her face change from frustration to excitement.

“So, I can use whatever color of ink on whichever stamp I want to!”

“Yes!”

“Okay, then I’m going to make a pink flower and a purple butterfly. And then…”

Her enthusiasm for rubber stamping was just like my mom’s had been years earlier. Amanda had learned to play.

We stayed in the craft room for hours trying this color of ink then that color, this stamp then that stamp. Her daughter quickly bored of what we were doing and went downstairs to make a fort with sheets over the backs of chairs with my husband.

THIS IS ONE OF THE CARDS AMANDA MADE FOR ME WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH BREAST CANCER.

THIS IS THE FINAL BIRTHDAY CARD AND GIFT AMANDA GAVE ME.

Thank you, God, for answered prayers

My mom was my closest friend. When she died of breast cancer, I so deeply wanted a friend like her again. Someone to talk with, go shopping with, just be friends with.

I couldn’t find anyone.

I prayed for God to send me a friend. I mean down on my knees, head bowed, eyes closed, hands folded, prayed for a friend to fill the loneliness my mom’s death left in my heart, but I never got one.

Until today.

Thank you, God, for answered prayers.

Just Amanda and me being pampered for an entire day

I was in the final stage of treatments for breast cancer. I was getting radiation treatments every day, Monday through Friday, for six weeks to my right chest and underarm. I had already been through chemotherapy and a double mastectomy.

A few more radiation treatments, then I can celebrate.

When these burns heal, I want to go to a day spa. Just Amanda and me being pampered for an entire day. I can’t wait!

I could barely breathe

“I have to have a breast biopsy,” Amanda told me.

“Let’s keep our fingers crossed that everything turns out okay,” I replied.

“I already know I have breast cancer. The biopsy is just to find out which kind of cancer it is.”

My heart stopped. Not again!

“When did you find this out?” I could barely breathe enough to even get the words out.

“I had a mammogram in October. They saw something and wanted to recheck it in six months. I felt something that was getting bigger in my right breast, so they repeated the mammogram. The lesion has grown significantly.”

This was only February.

An aggressive form of cancer

The biopsy turned out to be triple-negative breast cancer, an aggressive form of cancer.

Amanda had been with me every step of my cancer journey, now I would walk with her down this twisting path.

I finished with my radiation treatments on March third. Amanda started chemotherapy on March fourth. We never did get to go to the day spa.

That first day on the cardiac unit when I was just finishing my shift and she was just starting hers, I never thought that as I was finishing breast cancer treatments, she would just be starting her cancer treatments.

We had become such close friends by now, just like my mom and I had been.

Amanda loved dogs

Amanda and my mom had so much in common. I think that is what drew me to her in the beginning. They were both quiet yet powerful women. They both liked flowers and butterflies. (Read: When Cancer Turned Pink)

But unlike my mom, Amanda loved dogs.

Shortly after we started working together, Amanda got a dog from the local rescue.

A few weeks later she and her family were going away for the weekend.

“What are you going to do with Inigo while you’re away?” I asked.

“Probably board him in a kennel somewhere.”

“I know of a free boarding facility,” I told her

“You do? Where?”

“My house.”

You’re not taking my dog away from me

My husband and I dogsat her Jack Russell Terrier that weekend. We fell in love with that little dog so much that we would ask to “borrow” him on the weekends sometimes. Amanda graciously “loaned” him to us when her family had plans that would take them away from the house for a while.

A few months later Amanda’s young daughter had to have surgery on her hip. We took care of Inigo while her daughter recuperated. We had become quite attached to him by the time it came to send him back.

I took Inigo to the park where I was meeting Amanda to return him to her. We walked around the park for a while just chatting. As we were preparing to leave, Amanda could see how fond I was of Inigo and asked, “Do you want to keep Inigo?”

I was stunned by this suggestion.

“Do I want to keep this dog? I would love to keep this dog. But do I want to take your dog away from you? No, I don’t want to take your dog from you!”

Amanda laughed. “You’re not taking my dog away from me.”

With everything that was going on with her daughter, I think it may have been a relief to have one less to care for.

So, I took him back home with me. Meet Inigo.

She wanted to stay awake

I couldn’t believe how well Amanda tolerated chemo. Seldom was she nauseated, where I lived in a constant state of nausea.

She was tired though. And in pain from the tumor. She didn’t want to take the narcotics that were prescribed for her because she didn’t want them to make her drowsy.  She wanted to stay awake to care for her daughter.

I was still going to physical therapy and regaining my strength before going back to work. I took her daughter on playdates when I could so Amanda could rest uninterrupted while her husband was at work. It was the least I could do to repay her for all her support for me while I was going through chemotherapy.

The surgeon decided not to remove any more fluid

After completing four months of chemotherapy, Amanda had a double mastectomy. She wanted to have reconstructive surgery, but since she would need to have radiation therapy after she healed from surgery, the doctor told her that it was best to wait a while before getting breast implants put in.

Things didn’t go so well for Amanda after surgery. Once she got the drains out, she continued to produce so much fluid in her chest that the surgeon had to insert a needle into her chest to draw out the fluid. This happened three times.

Finally, the surgeon decided not to remove any more fluid in hopes that the excess fluid would put pressure on the wound inside her chest and cause it to seal off, which it eventually did.

Even after healing from surgery, Amanda continued to complain of pain, especially in her back. She had had some problems with her back before any of this started. She said the pain was from trying to do too much right after surgery.

Hmmm.

Amanda loved breakfast

After recuperating from surgery, Amanda also had six weeks of daily radiation. Thank goodness she did not burn as I had.

My husband often took her to her appointments as I had gone back to work by this time. After her treatments, they would often go out to breakfast. Amanda loved breakfast.

The results were not good

But the pain persisted. Time for another PET scan.

The results were not good. Amanda had new tumors, including in her spine.

They put her back on chemo. A stronger medicine this time.

Amanda called me to come to her house one afternoon. They had recently moved into a house just a few streets away from me.

Blindness in one eye

Amanda had never called for help before.

I raced over to her house. She said that she had experienced temporary blindness in one eye. I checked her blood pressure, which was a little high, but not concerning. She denied having a headache.

She had also called her husband to come home from work. He arrived shortly after I did and took her to the hospital. I packed a bag and took her daughter to my house. She would stay with me that night.

It was her first sleepover ever.

Amanda’s husband called later that evening and said that they were going to keep Amanda in the hospital. They had run some tests but didn’t find anything. Her bloodwork showed that she was dehydrated, so they wanted to run IV fluids into her and observe her overnight.

You can’t do anything for me

Her daughter would not stop crying. She missed her parents. She had never been away from them overnight before. I tried everything I could think of, but I could not console her.

I asked her, “What can I do for you?”

“I want my daddy and mommy,” she cried.

“Your mommy has to stay in the hospital tonight, and your daddy is staying there with her.”

“Then you can’t do anything for me,” she wailed.

Such truth had just come from the mouth of that six-year-old child. I couldn’t do anything to change the situation we all found ourselves in.

She was very tired

The doctor released Amanda from the hospital the following day. She was very tired. None of the pep that had always been there before.

But something else was different too. She was forgetful which was unlike her. She blamed it on poor sleep from the constant pain she was now in.

Hmmm.

I could feel the tumors

Amanda was particularly uncomfortable one day. I was at her house, and she just could not get comfortable in the chair.

Her back was really bothering her.

I asked her if she wanted me to rub her back and she said yes.

As I was rubbing her back, I could feel lumps through her shirt. I could feel the tumors.

No wonder she was so uncomfortable.

Her mom did not realize what was going on

Amanda’s mom came to stay with them for a while.

Amanda had gone to the hospital again. Her mom did not realize what was going on. Amanda and her husband had decided not to tell Amanda’s family the extent of her illness because they did not want to upset them.

Amanda’s husband had caught me at work the previous day as I was going to lunch. He said that he had just brought Amanda into the ER again.

I rushed in to see her instead of going to lunch. She looked so pale and tired. She was lying on a gurney.

I visited with her for a while. When my lunch break ended, I told her that I would see her again when I got off work.

The bruise

As I was leaving, I turned back to say goodbye to Amanda. Her gown had shifted just a bit and I saw it. I went over to her and asked, “What is that on your chest?”

“What do you mean?”

“You have a bruise on your chest.”

“Oh, I guess one of the dogs must have hit me in the chest and I didn’t realize it.”

This was no ordinary bruise. It was the same “bruise” my mom had when her cancer came back, and they told us there was nothing more they could do to treat her cancer. (Read: The Day Cancer Turned Pink)

I didn’t say anything to Amanda. She was having periods of confusion by this time.

The cancer was everywhere

The next day was my day off work. I went to the hospital to see Amanda. She had just returned to her room from a CT scan. The cancer was everywhere, including her brain the hospitalist told us.

Her husband didn’t understand, so he asked me to explain what the doctor had said. I did, then I asked him if it would be alright if I were to be Amanda’s advocate. He permitted me.

Code status

I went to the nurses’ station and asked them to have the oncologist’s nurse practitioner come in to see Amanda.

She came in a brief time later. I asked her to do a code status with Amanda and her husband.

By this time, Amanda was not comprehending much, and her husband did not know what to do. I explained that they were asking permission not to resuscitate Amanda if it came to that.

Amanda had stated previously that if it came to this point, she did not want to be resuscitated. Either she had changed her mind, or she did not realize what was going on.

She said she wanted everything to be done to keep her alive.

I could not override her and her husband. I could only be there to support them.

Amanda did not have much time left

I told her husband that I was going to go to their house and bring Amanda’s mom to the hospital. I also told him to get a babysitter for their daughter.

He asked me why I was doing that. I told him things were going to a state where Amanda did not have much time left.

I went to Amanda’s house and spoke with her mother. I asked her if she knew why Amanda was in the hospital. She said she thought that Amanda was going to have another operation and that is why they wanted her to come into town and watch their daughter. She lived out of state.

I explained to her how gravely ill Amanda was. We packed an overnight bag for the little girl then all went to the hospital.

She nearly collapsed

Amanda’s mom is one of the strongest women I have ever met, but she nearly collapsed when she saw her elder daughter lying in the hospital bed. She did not realize how ill Amanda was.

I told her she should call in the rest of the family. They got a flight in the next day.

Her final lucid period

Amanda still had some lucid moments. During her final lucid period, she asked for me to come to her room. I was elsewhere in the hospital while she visited with her family.

I walked into her room to find her alert. I hadn’t seen her like this for some time.

She said that it felt like she was living in a fog. She had called out to her daughter earlier in the day who was not even in the room, but Amanda thought she was sitting at the end of the bed and not responding when she called her name.

Now, she said, she realized that her daughter had not even been there.

Amanda said she now comprehended how ill she was.

Even before the confusion set in, she was living in a state of denial. It is good to plan for the future, but she had been making some rather poor decisions. Denial? Confusion?

Do Not Resuscitate

She said that she realized what her outcome was going to be. She changed her code status to “Do Not Resuscitate.”

That time with Amanda was the most moving experience I had ever spent with her. We told one another how much we loved each other and thanked one another for being such good friends.

Only I didn’t just consider Amanda a great friend; but as a little sister thirteen years my junior.

Our final real conversation

She was tired by this point. I encouraged her to rest. That was our final real conversation.

The medical staff thought it best to move her to hospice because they did not know how much time she had left. I chose one from the list they provided. It sounded like a nice cozy house. Somewhere that would feel safe if her daughter went to visit.

We took turns staying with her

She was moved to hospice that afternoon. Between the pain medication and her general state of health, Amanda slept fitfully most of the time. We took turns staying with her.

I and her friend spent what would turn out to be her final night with her. Early the next morning her mom and sister arrived at hospice.

I could tell things had changed for the worse, but I didn’t want to upset her family.

My husband arrived around noon.

I was concerned for Amanda’s mom because she is diabetic and had not eaten for hours. I took her, Amanda’s sister, and Amanda’s friend out for lunch. My husband stayed with Amanda.

Things didn’t look good

We had a simple lunch, not wanting to be gone from Amanda for long. My husband texted me shortly after we were served our lunch and said things didn’t look good. He was previously a firefighter/EMT, so I knew he knew what was going on. He had also sat with his grandmother in her last moments.

Not wanting to frighten Amanda’s family, but realizing the urgency, I told the girls that I thought we should head back to hospice.

My husband texted me just as I pulled into the parking lot. As we walked toward Amanda’s room, I told her family that my husband said Amanda had gotten worse when we left. We entered the room as Amanda was taking her final breath.

Did she too wait until those closest to her had all left to say her final goodbye just as my mom had done? She was safe in the company of my husband; the man who had taken her to so many appointments and so many breakfasts afterward. I’m glad they got to share a final, precious moment.

I was prepared for Amanda’s death

I was prepared for Amanda’s death. I had seen everything, step by step, play out just as it had with my mom years earlier. I saw the “bruise”. I saw her become so ill that she needed to go to hospice. I knew the end was here.

I was ready to let Amanda go; to be free from pain.

Or so I thought. Truthfully, I was devastated. I couldn’t stop crying for days. I knew she was in heaven now with my mom and so many others. I knew that she was no longer suffering. I knew all was well.

But it wasn’t. The friend I had so desperately prayed for once again was gone from me. I was numb. I felt so sad for her little girl and her husband. I felt sad for myself.

I tried and tried to get past the pain of her death.

I didn’t go to her memorial service

I didn’t go to her memorial service because it was not something I thought Amanda would have wanted. Instead, my husband and I went to an art show that the three of us had attended for several years.

I saw so many paintings of butterflies, flowers, dragonflies; all things Amanda loved. This was how Amanda would want to be remembered.

I went to grief counseling

Three months later I still couldn’t come to grips with Amanda’s death.

I went to grief counseling.

Another friend of mine lost her husband about a month after Amanda died. We went to a grief counseling program called GriefShare together.

It was there that I learned that my pain of loss was so deep, not just for Amanda, but also for my mom who I never really grieved for, and for my father who had died years earlier. (Read: The Day Cancer Turned Royal Blue)

I wanted to put their deaths behind me, but instead, I had just stuffed my grief into the bottom of my heart.

When Amanda died, not only was I grieving her death, but for the first time, I was also grieving my mom and my dad’s deaths.

It was a lengthy process, but in the end, I could finally appreciate all the wonderful things they had each brought into my life, and let the sadness and grief remain in their proper place and not in the forefront of my thoughts.

Why I started this blog

I miss you Dad, Mom, and Amanda. Thank you all for the wonderful memories you gave me.

Because of what we went through together is why I started this blog; to help others who find themselves where we each were.

This is the story of the day cancer turned pink…again.

Comment below about your favorite memory of your friend.

Wishing you all the best,

Kelly

Are your cancer screenings up to date?

 Yes, I am a nurse. No, I am not your nurse. The medical topics discussed in this, or any article on this site, are intended to be issues for you to discuss with your medical team if you feel they apply to you. None of the information you are about to read in this article is treatment advice for you from me. I do not have that authority.