Crazy Cancer Thoughts

What Went Through My Head When I Was Going Through Cancer Treatments?

Crazy cancer thoughts go through your mind in all phases of cancer treatments. When you are going through cancer, or any challenging time in your life, it’s easy to get lost in your thoughts. Of course, your mind is occupied with your present situation, but some of the craziest thoughts sneak in as well. In no particular order, here are some of the crazy cancer thoughts that occupied my mind when I was going through cancer treatments.  

Now that is a really crazy cancer thought

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt relieved. Now that is a really crazy cancer thought. I was relieved not because I’m a hypochondriac, but I had a persistent, nagging expectation that I would get cancer after my mom died from breast cancer.

This crazy cancer thought came to me frequently

I am generally an optimistic person, but this crazy cancer thought came to me frequently. I even thought about if I would take chemotherapy, what kind of surgery did I want to have when I got cancer, and so on.

When I actually was diagnosed with cancer, instead of feeling dread, I was relieved to finally put my plan into action so I could get past cancer and on with the rest of my life. (Read: The Day I Met Cancer in the Mirror)

Thankfully, I am now six years past breast cancer with no sign of recurrence.

“You’re going to do just fine. You got this.”

Once I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I met with my surgeon before I met my medical oncologist. This man was an absolute cheerleader. He explained to me and my husband what kind of breast cancer I had, what my odds of survival were, and what treatment I would need.

He was so positive that I felt like I had already beat cancer before I even started treatments. Each time I saw him he said, “You’re going to do just fine. You got this.”

I had to go through chemotherapy before having surgery to reduce the size of the tumor. With the smaller tumor, Dr. H would not have to take as much tissue which would give me a better outcome.

I met my oncologist, Dr. K. He too had a positive opinion about my chance for recovery. He never sugar-coated anything though.

This is when some crazy cancer thoughts truly started to invade my mind

My first day of chemo was when things got real. This is when some crazy cancer thoughts truly started to invade my mind.

The chemo nurse had told me to expect some nausea, and which medications to take, and when, to settle my queasy stomach. But I had no idea how bad the nausea was going to be.

The crazy cancer thought I had then was

Within hours of returning home from chemotherapy nausea began. And it only continued to get worse. I took the medication the nurse had told me to take, but there was no relief. In fact, I went into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub waiting to throw up, but I didn’t.

The crazy cancer thought I had then was, “This is what I am going to feel like for the next four months”.

I took a different medication for nausea a few hours later and that med worked. The nausea wasn’t gone, but it was now tolerable.

The next crazy cancer thought I had was that I would lose weight

The next crazy cancer thought I had was that I would lose weight since I had cancer.

Now don’t judge me. I was carrying some extra weight and I thought that with the nausea I wouldn’t feel like eating so I would lose the excess pounds.

But that’s not how it worked.

Yes, I was nauseated from the effects of the chemotherapy, but I also had to take steroids before each treatment which caused me to gain weight, not lose it.

Really?

I was nauseated but hungry. My face became puffy, my clothes were tighter, and I was still nauseated.

How could I possibly be gaining weight? I have cancer after all!

I mean the worst part is behind me now, right?

After I completed chemotherapy, I had a month with no treatments before my surgery. The nausea was subsiding, and I was beginning to feel more like my old self.

My crazy cancer thought was “Maybe this cancer isn’t so bad after all. I mean the worst part is behind me now, right?”

Nope.

When I came home from surgery, I had a drain in on each side of my chest and a binder around my chest to support the incisions. I had decided to have a double mastectomy without reconstruction. I wanted to get rid of cancer with no chance of it coming back.

Even though I didn’t have cancer in my left breast, my surgeon, Dr. H, said the kind of breast cancer I had often returned in the other breast. That made my decision for me. Take both of my breasts.

I did not have breast implants put back in because my oncologist, Dr. K, said that the implants would make it harder to detect cancer if it did return.

Flat-chested it is then.

Of course, I had pain after the surgery, but the pain was easier to deal with than nausea.

That was until the skin started to grow around the drainage tubes in my chest. No matter how careful I was, any time the tubes shifted it hurt …A LOT.

Crazy cancer thought: Great, I traded nausea for this miserable pain.

Not only that, but because Dr. H had to take several lymph nodes from under my right arm, my arm was now swollen and painful. Puffy, steroid face gone, swollen chest and arm instead.

Crazy cancer thoughts of all sorts flooded my mind

I couldn’t wait to get the tubes out of my chest. My crazy cancer thought was that it would be a simple procedure to just cut the sutures, pull the tubes out and have instant relief.

Nope.

As I said earlier, the skin had begun to grow around the tubes as I was healing. When Dr. H tried to cut the stitch to release the tube, the suture was buried in my skin. He had to dig to get to the suture.

Crazy cancer thoughts of all sorts flooded my mind.

“Ouch. Ok, forget it. Just leave the tubes in.

No, they really hurt, hurry up and cut the stitch.

Ow!

Wait, I changed my mind, leave them in.

OUCH! Just hurry up and be done, would you!?”

Ah. Finally, the tubes are out. Now I had to watch for swelling in my chest where the tubes were. If the swelling built up too much, Dr. H would have to insert a needle into my chest to draw out the excess fluid.

Oh, boy, could we?

Thankfully, no excess fluid built up, so no need for any more poking in my chest.

The lymph nodes that Dr. H removed from under my arm also had cancer in them. The PET scan I had done did not show cancer anywhere else in my body, but as a precaution, I had to start radiation treatments a month after my surgery.

Crazy cancer thought: Sure, no problem

The first day I met Dr. T, my radiation oncologist, was three weeks after my surgery. She sweetly said, “I know you are still sore from surgery, but I need you to lift your arms completely above your head for me.”

Ok.

OW! I had barely gotten my elbows even with my shoulders, but it HURT!

“Ok, that is far enough. You will come back in a week so we can set you up for radiation treatments. You will need to be able to put your arms completely above your head by then to get them out of the way of the radiation beam.”

Crazy cancer thought: Sure, no problem.

I went home, laid across the bed and took a pole in both hands that was about three feet long, and tried to stretch my arms above my head. It felt like every fiber of my chest was about to rip apart. Well, at least I got the pole up … to my nose!

For the next seven days, I stretched until I felt like my chest would rip to shreds.

I went in for the first day of radiation treatments. Dr. T asked me to lie down on the radiation table and lift my arms over my head.

I managed to do so, and it only took me about five minutes to get my arms into position. She opened my gown which was flapped over my chest in the front, felt my chest, then closed my gown and wrote orders for radiation.

Truly crazy cancer thought

Next, the radiation tech came in to position me precisely. He asked if he could open my gown.

Truly crazy cancer thought: “What?! Just lie here on this hard table with my chest ripping and my boobs hanging out? Oh, that’s right. I don’t have any boobs, just two scars across my chest.”

 That was the first time I really realized that I didn’t have breasts anymore.

I had to go for treatments every day, Monday through Friday, for six weeks. When my mom had gone through radiation treatments for her breast cancer, she developed severe radiation burns. So severe that she had to go through hyperbaric treatments to get the burns to heal. (Read: The Day Cancer Turned Pink)

Of course, this was the first crazy cancer thought I had when I met with Dr. T. She told me that the radiation technology had come a long way since my mom had had treatment. The radiation is now more focused, so burns are uncommon these days.

Shew, that was good to hear.

She also told me that the incision where I had the mastectomy on the right side of my chest may separate a little because the radiation interrupts the healing process, and the incision was not completely healed yet.

Good to know.

So, I faithfully went to my treatments every day. I could now put my hands above my head with relative ease.

All I had to do was lie on the table for about ten minutes every day, have radiation beam me up from several different directions, then go back home.

My crazy cancer thought was…

One day, I noticed that my skin was separating at the incision and was quite red. The next day, which was Friday, when I went in for my radiation treatment, I told the doctor my concern. Dr. T was out of town that day, so another doctor was filling in for her. He said that the area looked fine and to go ahead with the treatment.

My crazy cancer thought was that the area did not look “fine”. As a nurse, I knew that any time skin turns red and starts to separate it is not “fine”. But…

You’re the doctor. You know more than me.

Ha!

Funny, I had had that same crazy cancer thought

On Monday when I went in for radiation, Dr. T was back. By now the incision had opened up quite a bit, and the area of reddened skin was larger and blistered. She told me that she wasn’t going to have me get radiation that day.

Instead, she sent me home with some ointment and a soaking solution. I was to soak some gauze in the solution and then apply that to my skin for twenty minutes twice per day. Once I finished with the soak, I had to apply the ointment.

She also said that if she had been there on Friday, she would not have had me get a radiation treatment.

Funny, I had had that same crazy cancer thought. Too bad the other radiation oncologist didn’t think that way.

By Wednesday, she had me resume radiation treatments. I continued with the soaking treatments at home. The burns persisted, but once I finished with radiation and was no longer burning my skin every day, they eventually healed.

Later, much later, in fact, Dr. T told me that my radiation burns were the worst she had ever seen.

I think she will have a crazy cancer thought now

I told her this would happen, but she didn’t believe me. She does now. I think she will have a crazy cancer thought now that burns can still happen even with newer technology.

Because my breast cancer was fed by estrogen, I have to take an estrogen blocker pill every day for the next ten years. Dr. K told me that I would most likely experience hot flashes and joint pain.

Well, if that pill will keep cancer away, let me have it.

I seriously believe that as the first pill was going down my throat, the middle knuckles on both hands began to hurt. In the morning when I woke up, my fingers were stiff, swollen, and somewhat painful.

My crazy cancer thought was I was told this would happen, but I didn’t realize it would be so immediate.

I felt like saying my crazy cancer thought out loud

At my next checkup with Dr. K, he asked me if I was having any joint pain.

“Oh, yes, in my knuckles.”

He looked at me a bit odd then asked if I had pain in my hips or knees.

“No, just my knuckles.”

“Do you have arthritis in your hands?”

“I don’t know. They started hurting when I started taking the pill, just like you said it would.”

“But people usually complain of pain in the big joints, not the small joints like fingers.”

I felt like saying my crazy cancer thought out loud:

“You see, Doctor, my body doesn’t know the cancer rules. Nausea responded to the second anti-nausea drug better than the first, though I was told it is usually the other way around. My skin grew around the drainage tube after surgery to the point that the suture was buried completely under my skin. My skin was severely burned with radiation treatments, though that is a rare occurrence these days, so I’ve been told. The “hot flashes” are actually blazing infernos.  And now, this pill causes the little joints in my body to hurt, but the big joints are just fine

I promise to take myself home and have a good talking to me about being such an ornery patient.”

Six months after I finished cancer treatments, I had to have another PET scan done just to be sure there was no more cancer.

My crazy cancer thoughts

So, here I am in this tube again. This is where I was when this whole crazy cancer journey began.

Dr. H had told me that the chemotherapy would reduce the size of the tumor, which it did.

Then he removed both of my breasts. My good breast was taken as a precaution.

Because there was cancer in the lymph nodes, I had six weeks of radiation as a precaution.

I changed my diet to help prevent cancer from returning, as a precaution.

Yet here I am in this tube again with my crazy cancer thoughts. What if a tiny cancer cell went rogue and escaped before the radiation beams could zap it? What if they find that now I have colon cancer as my dad had? (Read: The Day Cancer Turned Royal Blue) What if…?

And what if all the steps that have been taken to this point result in a clear PET scan?

Well, it did.

I got this

Dr. H told me from the very beginning that I would do fine, and you got this.

Yes, Dr. H, I got this.

I got this chance for a new beginning without cancer.

I got this amazing support team of family and friends who helped me get through my treatments.

I got this wonderful husband who I get to spend more time with.

And I got this blog to help encourage and support you as you deal with the crazy cancer thoughts in your head while you are going through cancer treatments.

YOU GOT THIS!

Wishing you all the best,

Kelly

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Yes, I am a nurse. No, I am not your nurse. The medical topics discussed in this, or any article on this site, are intended to be issues for you to discuss with your medical team if you feel they apply to you. None of the information you are about to read in this article is treatment advice for you from me. I do not have that authority.