How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer

Hello there, it’s me, your friend who has cancer. Remember me? I wasn’t sure you did since I haven’t heard from you since you found out I have cancer.

I know this whole cancer thing is awkward for you. Believe me, it’s awkward for me too. But I really miss you. I imagine you don’t have much experience being around cancer patients, so I am writing to you to give you some advice on how you can support someone who has cancer, like me. What was it that started our friendship? Was it my smile or sense of humor?

I’m still that same person, I just may not be able to express myself the same right now.

Here is how you can support me, or someone else who is going through cancer:

Remember me

I know this sounds crazy, but I feel a bit crazy right now. My mind is occupied by all the stuff I need to do to get through cancer. I feel like I am invisible, that all people see now is cancer and not me. Some ways you can remember me are:

Call me

I may not be very talkative, but just hearing your voice and knowing that I still matter to you enough to call me helps lift my spirits.

What should you talk about you ask? Anything that comes to your mind like:

What’s happening at work? Even though I can’t come into the office right now, work is still an important part of my life. Did person X have her baby yet? Is person Y still coming in late all the time? Did person Z get that promotion?

How is your family doing? What is your son planning on doing when he graduates next month? When is your daughter getting back from overseas? Does your sister like her new job?

What’s going on at church? What is the new pastor like? Are his sermons boring? Motivating? What are your plans as the new Women’s Encouragement leader?

Text me

If I am busy or not up to having a conversation, I can still read your text when I’m feeling up to it.

What should you text me?

A photo of your parents’ anniversary party

Something funny you saw on social media

Pictures of your vacation. Don’t feel bad that you got to go on vacation, and I didn’t. I still want to share your experience.

A simple message of encouragement

Visit me

I miss seeing you. I realize that it may be difficult for you if I look different now. My face is puffy, my head is bald, and my energy is almost non-existent. But I’m still me.

What should you do when you visit me?

Talk with me. And let me talk to you. But please don’t judge me if I need to get a few things off my chest. I don’t want to seem like I am complaining, but I don’t want to burden my family with my feelings. Things are difficult for them, and they are doing so much for me already. You don’t have to try to fix me. I just want your company.

Share your latest project with me. How is your scrapbook coming along?

Just sit with me. If I doze off, feel free to read the book you brought along with you. It’s comforting having you present. You make me feel safe and secure in this very unsettling time.

Please don’t feel like you have to bring me anything. But I know you have a generous heart and giving gifts is your way of showing how much you care. If you insist on bringing something, maybe a soft beanie for my bald head would be nice. Or perhaps a journal to keep track of all my notes.

Go to medical visits with me

 With everything I have on my mind, I get easily distracted. I have to admit that it scary going to my appointments so it’s reassuring to have a friend go with me.

What should you do?

Take notes while I am talking with the doctor. That way I can focus on our conversation and not try to remember everything I am being told.

Remind me of anything I need to tell the doctor such as:

Any new symptoms I am having

Any improvements I have made

Something you have noticed that I may not be aware of

Sit with me while I go through treatments

Drive me when I cannot drive myself

Pray for me

My faith is still strong even though my body and mind have become weak.

What should you pray for?

Healing

Strength and courage

Hope

Acceptance but not complacency

Peace and rest

Remember my family

This crazy, unwanted journey I am on is just as crazy and unwanted for them. (Read: An Unwanted Journey). Some ways you can remember them are:

Call them

 My family is my caregivers right now. And they are exhausted. They not only have to care for me, but they still have their own lives to live as well.

What should you talk about you ask?

Ask them how they are doing (before you ask about me). They are so used to folks asking about me that they feel they are invisible, or that their needs no longer matter. This couldn’t be further from the truth. They matter so much! Please remind them of this.

Give them a chance to unburden themselves to you without judgment. Remember, they are not complaining by telling you my faults, they are asking for help.

Let them know you are available. They feel like they have to carry this burden alone. They try to look brave, but I see how hard this is on them. Please tell them specifically when you are available so they can make plans.

Encourage them. They are my rock, but they will shatter into pebbles if no one supports them too.

Text them

When they are busy, they may not have time for a phone call. That is why texting may be better than a phone call.

What should you text them?

A note of encouragement

Something funny you saw on social media

What time you will be stopping by

Ask them if they need you to run an errand for them

Offer your assistance. They probably won’t ask for help.

Visit them

They take such good care of me, but they need to take care of themselves too.

What should you do when you visit them?

Talk with them. And let them talk to you. But please don’t judge them if they need to get a few things off their chests. They don’t want to seem like they are complaining, but they don’t want to burden me with their feelings. Things are difficult for them, and they are doing so much to help me. But could I ask something of you? If I doze off or just close my eyes, please remember I am still here. Don’t ask them how I am really doing. That puts them in an awkward position because they know I am still listening. It’s okay to ask, just not in front of me.

Offer to sit with me while they take time for themselves.

They may need your help with some household chores. It’s ok to offer if you see something that needs to be done. They are so overwhelmed that something so obvious to someone else is not even evident to them right now.

You could entertain the kiddos. You can take them to the park or play with them in their room. These times are especially difficult and confusing for them. Please be patient with them if they are moodier than usual. Ask them how they are doing. They may open up to you more than they do with us. They are aware that things are different but don’t understand why. And they are probably scared. Your support means so much to them.

Pray for them

 This is a very challenging time for them. They need physical support, but they need spiritual support as well.

What should you pray for?

Strength and courage

Hope

Acceptance but not complacency

Peace and rest

Remember yourself

You are such a dear friend. I’m sorry that this is so difficult for you. As much as I want, and need your support, you need to take care of yourself too.

How can you remember yourself?

Take time for yourself each day

Read, meditate, or take a walk. Whatever helps you relax and get in touch with your feelings and settle your mind is important for you to do.

Stay in touch with your own supporters. Let them support you the way you support me.

Pray

Pray for yourself. You are important to me. Let God help you through this hard time.

Call me

No, really, call me. You are still my friend and I still want to be needed by you.

There is so much more I want to tell you, but I am beginning to tire. Could you stop by some time, or call me, so we can chat some more?

Thank you for your time, and I wish you all the best.

Kelly

Comment below how you have supported someone who has cancer or how someone has supported you.

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Yes, I am a nurse. No, I am not your nurse. The medical topics discussed in this, or any article on this site, are intended to be issues for you to discuss with your medical team if you feel they apply to you. None of the information you are about to read in this article is treatment advice for you from me. I do not have that authority.