Yesterday I Was Your Child

Yesterday I was your child. Today I am your caregiver. How did I get here?

I know how you are feeling right now. I’ve been there…twice. Becoming a caregiver for your parent who has cancer can be quite bewildering.

What happened to cause you to become your parent’s caregiver?

The Day Cancer Turned Royal Blue

For me, it started with “The Day Cancer Turned Royal Blue”. That was the day my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. I didn’t instantly become his caregiver. Our roles began to change slowly at first. I’m not even sure when I began to act more like the parent he had been to me. I just remember “that day”.

My dad was a very large man. He had a very commanding presence. When he told me to do something and wanted to be sure I was paying attention, he would say, “Now tell me what I just said.”

“That day” I was getting ready to help my husband with his janitorial business. As we were about to leave the house, my mom called and said she needed help with my dad.

His cancer had progressed to the point that he was unable to do much on his own. We had furnished a bedroom in the house with a hospital bed, a comfortable chair, and a bedside table.

He had a colostomy due to surgery to remove colon cancer and he used a urinal in the bed, so there was no reason he had to get out of bed then. Yet he was insistent that he wanted to get out of bed and my mom was not strong enough to help him. So, she called me.

My husband and I went to their house and helped my dad up to his chair. When he was comfortably settled into his chair, I told him to stay there until we got back and to not even ask my mom to help him back to bed.

And then it happened. I turned into my dad. I made him repeat back to me what I had just said to him. I wanted to ensure he did not jeopardize his or my mom’s safety by trying to get back to bed without my husband and myself assisting him.

Not long after that day, my dad had weakened to the point he couldn’t get out of bed. My mom was his sole caregiver, and she was becoming exhausted. I spent the night at my parent’s home so I could help my dad while my mom got some much-needed sleep.

I said good night to my mom and expected to just hang out while both of my parents slept. That was not the case. My dad’s colostomy “exploded”. The only way to clean him was to give him a complete bed bath and change his sheets.

That was very awkward for both of us. I switched into nursing mode and cleaned my father just like he was one of my patients in the hospital. We all realized that he needed more care than my mother could provide by herself.

Just a few days later my dad had a mild stroke and had to go to the hospital. He was ok, but when he left the hospital, he went to a veterans’ hospital/nursing home ward at the VA.

The Day Cancer Turned Pink

Years later I became my mom’s caregiver “The Day Cancer Turned Pink”.  My mom was my best friend, so her diagnosis was devastating to me as her daughter, and as her friend.

I took her to her medical appointments and for her cancer treatments. There were times when I needed to advise her as her daughter, there were times I needed to advise her as her friend, and there were times I needed to advise her as a nurse. (Yes, I am a nurse.)

At her final oncology appointment, I had to change roles a few times. Going into the appointment with her, I was her friend.

During the appointment, the oncologist gave us some devastating news. I understood immediately what he was saying, but my mom was not hearing what he meant. I switched into nurse mode and explained what the doctor was saying, just as I did with patients in the hospital.

He was saying that there was nothing medically he could offer to cure her breast cancer. All the options had been exhausted, yet the cancer was still raging through her body.

My mom understood. I switched into daughter mode and grieved with her.

Later I would turn into a parent protecting a defenseless child.

So, yes, I have been a caregiver to my parents who each had cancer. At times it was no big deal, at other times it was very difficult.

Allow me to anticipate some of the challenges you are facing as you become a caregiver to your parent.

Emotions

When you become a caregiver to your parent, you will have a variety of emotions to sort out.

Growing up you depended on your parent and now your parent depends on you. This can leave you with a sense of loss.

Caring for someone else can be very demanding. Add these new responsibilities to your already full life and you may feel bitter or inadequate.

Frequently people will ask you how your mom or dad is doing. What they fail to do is also ask how you are doing. This leaves you with a loss of identity.

When you were young, your parent fussed over you, especially if you were not well. Now, you see your parent battling the effects of cancer. This understandably causes you to worry.

The physical and emotional burden of caring for someone with cancer is demanding. Let’s face it, you’re tired.

Challenges

Where will you care for your parent? Are they well enough to still live on their own and you check in on them? Will they come to stay with you? Do you have room for them to move in?

Do you live in another state or even another country from your parent? Do you need to move in with them for a while? Do you have time to take away from your work?

Would it be better for your parent to be in a care center, even if temporarily?

Another challenge you will face as your parent’s caregiver is the difficulty that role reversal presents. Sometimes you need to assist your parent to do things that they may not want to do or do not feel they can do.

As their caregiver, you will have new skills to learn. It may be related to their medical equipment or learning about their disease.

You may become the durable power of attorney so you can make decisions on their behalf should the need arise.

You will find it challenging to care for your children and your parent at the same time. You may feel that there is no time left in the day for you.

Another challenge you may face is overcoming embarrassment should you need to assist your parent in a personal way such as helping them with their bathroom needs or bathing.

What age are you? Are you still in school and trying to care for your parent? Do you have someone at school to talk to about the challenges you are facing as your parent’s caregiver?

There are so many situations and challenges that will arise as you care for your parent. You will need to put the pieces of your puzzle together one piece at a time to figure out how to adapt to this new role you have found yourself in.

Yesterday You Were Their Child

Yes, yesterday you were their child, but today you are their caregiver. I know how challenging this is for you. Please remember to take time for yourself when and where you can. It’s okay to still be you and take care of your own needs. You are important too.

Thank you for taking the time in your busy day to read this blog post. Please comment below on what you found most helpful in this article.

Wishing you all the best,

Kelly

 Are your cancer screenings up to date?

Yes, I am a nurse. No, I am not your nurse. The medical topics discussed in this, or any article on this site, are intended to be issues for you to discuss with your medical team if you feel they apply to you. None of the information you are about to read in this article is treatment advice for you from me. I do not have that authority.