I Was Whole, but Then I Got Cancer

This is the story of a breast cancer survivor as told in her own words. The intent of this story is not to seek pity, but rather to encourage other cancer patients through their treatments and to accept their new state of “whole”.

I was whole, but then I got cancer.

I felt the pain in my right breast. I had always had lumpy breasts, so this lump did not feel any different than usual. Or so I thought.

What I thought was just a “regular” lump soon began to increase in size and became even more painful.

I had felt pain the year prior at my annual breast checkup but was told that the mammogram was negative. But now the lump, the pain, and the changing shape of my breast told me that this was not a “regular” lump after all.

Because of cancer, I now have scars.

The lump turned out to be a cancerous tumor. My cancer treatments and recovery afterward lasted almost a full year.

First, I underwent chemotherapy that left me weakened, bald, and with painful fingers and toes.

Next, I had a double mastectomy, leaving me with two large scars across my chest.

Lastly, I went through six weeks of daily radiation treatments that caused burns and more scarring.

Because of cancer, I take medicine that gives me hot flashes.

Once the cancer treatments were finished, I began taking medication to prevent my body from making estrogen, since the kind of cancer I had was “fed” by estrogen.

I went into a continuous state of heat due to the lack of estrogen. Not hot flashes, but continuously very hot. I felt like I was surrounded by a bubble of hot air that not even standing directly in front of a fan at high speed could cool.

Because of cancer, I take medicine that causes arthritis.

The same medicine that causes hot flashes also causes arthritis. My oncologist told me that I would probably have sore joints even before I started taking the pill. Except that instead of getting pain in the large joints, I get pain in the smaller joints of both of my hands. And strangely enough, it is only the second knuckles of the middle three fingers on both hands. My large joints feel just fine.

Because of cancer, I take medicine that causes osteopenia.

Maybe you have never heard of osteopenia. Have you heard of osteoporosis? Osteopenia is where the bones “begin to weaken” but have not weakened to the point of osteoporosis.

Because of cancer, I need to lose weight.

I was already carrying extra pounds before I got cancer. I actually thought that the cancer treatments would make me so nauseated and sickly that I would lose weight. I didn’t realize that I would be taking steroids that would cause me to gain weight and retain fluid. Retaining the extra weight puts me at risk of once again getting cancer.

Because of cancer, I need to eat healthily.

I don’t want to get cancer again. Unfortunately, I use food for comfort instead of nutrition sometimes. This unhealthy eating pattern increases my chances of getting cancer again despite the treatments I have been through.

Because of cancer, I need to exercise.

Some controllable risk factors for cancer include diet, lifestyle such as smoking, and exercise. Even just thirty minutes of exercise per day is beneficial to reduce cancer risk.

 I was whole, but then I got cancer.

Cancer tried its best to break me. The pain, the nausea, the weakness, and the fatigue due to cancer treatments were exhausting. But I willingly endured it all in the hopes of recovery.

 Yes, I now have scars.

In fact, I have quite a few scars and a few tattoos for radiation markers. I must do daily stretches to keep my chest wall pliable because of the internal scars I have from radiation treatments.

Yes, I now get hot flashes.

I have been taking estrogen-blocker medication for several years, and I have a few more years to go. I think I was beginning to experience menopause symptoms just before starting cancer treatments.

The bubble of hot air that used to constantly encircle me has given way to the traditional hot flashes of menopause. I never thought that I would be happy to have hot flashes, but at least with flashes means that I have periods when I am no longer unbearably hot. My oncologist and I have worked together to get me to the point where I am which is a good place.

Yes, I now have arthritis.

So far, the arthritis is still just in my knuckles. I take supplements now which give me decent relief from the pain…most days. Seldom do I need to take anti-inflammatory medication.

Yes, I now have osteopenia.

I have begun receiving medication by IV infusion every six months which helps prevent the osteopenia from progressing to full-blown osteoporosis. An added benefit is that if ever breast cancer should return, this medicine will prevent it from going into my bones. That's the good news. The bad news is that for me the side effects of this medicine are as severe as that of chemotherapy.

Yes, I now need to lose weight.

As I stated before, I sometimes use food for comfort. I am learning more healthy ways to seek comfort rather than raid the refrigerator.

Some of my favorites so far are listening to relaxing music, having relaxing and meditative videos play in the background as I go about my work, playing with my dogs, and of course, spending time with my wonderful husband. I am so grateful for the support he gave me while I was going through cancer treatments and still gives me every day.

But the most important way I seek comfort is by praying and feeling God’s presence.

Yes, I now need to eat healthily.

I am learning to eat things because they are healthy. For instance, I found that I like steamed brussels sprouts. Me eating cooked cabbage?!

And don’t tell my family, but I have also found that I like hard-boiled eggs. I still can’t stand even the thought of a sunny-side-up cooked egg though.

Yes, I now need to exercise.

Exercise is as important as any medication I take. And hopefully, exercising at least thirty minutes per day will prevent me from needing to take any more medicine.

I was whole, but then I got cancer.

Now, I am whole, even though I had cancer.

My scars make me grateful for the wonderful medical care I received.

My hot flashes make me grateful for air conditioning.

My arthritis makes me grateful for the days that I don’t have pain.

My osteopenia makes me grateful that my bones are still healthy.

My excess weight makes me grateful for the opportunity to keep improving myself.

My need to eat healthily makes me grateful for access to good food.

My need to exercise makes me grateful that I am past the days when I couldn’t exercise.

No, I don’t have cancer.

 No, cancer doesn’t have me.

 No, I don’t want to get cancer again.

 Nor do I want you to go through cancer, not even for the first time, which is why I am sharing my story with you.

 I hope that you have found something inspirational in my story of feeling broken because I had cancer, to feeling whole even though I had cancer.

 And if you have been inspired, please let me know by posting a comment below.

 Wishing you all the best,

Kelly

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Yes, I am a nurse. No, I am not your nurse. The medical topics discussed in this, or any article on this site, are intended to be issues for you to discuss with your medical team if you feel they apply to you. None of the information you are about to read in this article is treatment advice for you from me. I do not have that authority.